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OMEGA | Andrea Mena
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Andrea Mena

01 Dec Andrea Mena

YOU MADE MY CHEST FEEL LIKE AN EMPTY CAR PARK



we drive apologetically while
i place myself in the center of a foreign place

here, my body begins where i end

this place speaks. it says many things about nothing

it says: “this feels warm in the way setting things on fire feels warm”
it says: “i am so scared to lose you i can’t feel your body next to my body”
it says: “i no longer feel like a poem. i can’t live inside you forever”

it repeats everything i always say in a way you’ve never heard before

you were the sky before the sky was a sky of unglued ghosts

i am looking at your body reflecting the moon
i am recording this
i am thinking:
“i exist i exist i exist”
i am thinking:
“say something i will remember”

there are two hundred dogs dying right now

the spaces between our fingers have engaged in vulnerable connections
everything is happening so much

we are two tsunamis of nostalgia
splash-fighting each other with baby-sized dinosaur arms

we wait for our hands to merge with the sky in the middle of a rainstorm
for our eyes to see the way we could see before we knew things about each other

i will draw new eye sockets on your face
staring at me will feel infinite

 

A SMALL LIST OF THINGS I WOULD USUALLY HIDE


why do we hide under blankets
why do we hide our feelings
why do we hide easter eggs
(if) hiding is the pragmatic response to fear of losing something
i hide a 73%
seventy-three percent of the time we are not what we project ourselves to be
seventy-three percent is the amount of time i spend trying to retain consciousness
seventy-three percent of men talk down to me when talking politics
in that 73% i also include hiding
– pretending to like eric clapton
– not feeling part of a generation
– our relationship having network connectivity problems
– fake orgasms
– and every time i have felt unnecessarily exposed
i am afraid of the time spent in a station, right before a train approaches and it feels like the air it carries is going to hit you in the face
i always stand close to the platform because i want to find out how much of it i can feel
i am afraid of the insides of a plant
it takes a much larger amount of time to kill a plant than to kill yourself
every cell in a plant is independent to its other cells
every cell in a plant is unaware of your existence
every cell in a plant dies alone desynchronised with its co-cells
but every cell in my body will die holding hands
i am afraid of babies
i am afraid of babies feeling sad when they realise that
at one time nothing will be new or astounding or special
i am afraid of not covering their osmotic heads with bubblewrap so they can’t be penetrated with hurt
i am afraid you will think this is stupid
i am afraid that people can have opinions on other people when they will never live inside another human being’s head
i hide my fear of walking home alone at night
and my nostalgia for what never existed
most of all i hide that
i don’t want to be thrown away


 

Andrea Mena (22) lives in Madrid with two broken cameras. She studies audiovisuals and is the co-founder of Violette Collective. She tweets @andreamensch.

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