18 Apr Madelyne Beckles
DIARY ENTRIES FROM THAT WINTER WHERE I WAS
SEVERELY DEPRESSED AND DIDN’T KNOW IT
JANUARY 8, 2015
How can I control myself when I’m drunk? (food wise)
Hopefully, in 2015 I can get this under control.
Sometimes it feels like a disease…maybe it is just the wine though.
It’s so cold here, and so much snow.
I’m wearing a sea world tshirt.
I’m listening to Neil Young.
I think I have a yeast infection.
JANUARY 19, 2015
It feels like there are so many things to look forward to in ‘life’, but every day is unfulfilling.
Is that dramatic?
I’m stoned, and this weed gives me anxiety.
Mostly about instagram lol.
What creative energy is up inside me? I don’t know how to make it come out sometimes.
I used to be good at drawing, and painting, and ‘real art’, now I only take selfies, and naked snap chats, and dance around.
Tonight might be fun, I’ll probably do MDMA.
I feel fat so I don’t know what to wear.
It’s so fucking COLD.
JANUARY 25 2015
Friday Night, Kalale had a Birthday Party.
Sometimes I feel crazy in regards to my feelings for white boys.
I’ve had a crush on this guy for 4 months (ugh)
He gives me mixed signals, and I think I do the same.
We both flirt though.
I really thought I was gonna get laid, or make out with him at the party.
All of my friends kind of smiled and nodded, I could tell they didn’t believe in me.
That sounds dramatic.
But they didn’t.
They expect me to have such confidence but how would I if they don’t think anything will come of it?
I’m feeling sorry for myself today because he didn’t pick me.
I pouted about it the rest of the party and then woke up the next morning and got drunk again (pathetic)
Then I got self conscious around my friends and had to go home and binge eat.
We found a love letter to him in her backpack and read it aloud and laughed.
It was heartbreaking, but also stupid.
I felt bad for laughing at her but also wanted for her to be humiliated when it reached his hands, because white girls always get what they want.
It was sealed with a sparkling sticker.
It’s starting to feel like a joke that no white boy wants me.
Mercury is in retrograde so i’m gonna be incognito and work on my art, and do yoga, and try to eat better.
FEBRUARY 3, 2015
Sometimes the scariest thing is being real with yourself.
BUT! It can also be empowering to get your head out of the fucking clouds.
I’m so lazy sometimes, but it takes certain things to get me stimulated and motivated.
I’m starting a new art project that will be a performance piece about being young, dumb and broke…maybe that’s a good title?
All I care about is instagram, not being fat, and getting a boyfriend.
Even the most basic bitch can relate to that.
One of my best friend’s came to visit me this weekend.
She was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2012 and things haven’t been the same.
We both get self conscious and put up a wall.
I do this with all the people I love (family) who I feel don’t have time to understand me.
The guy I like has a new girlfriend.
She is prettier than me, and I am blacker than her.
My friend told me the only boy I’ve ever loved recently said to her that I am ‘unreal’ in bed.
FEBRUARY 21, 2015
We’re so lucky to have eachother (friends).
We are in Kemptville, Ontario in a historical farmhouse.
It feels like home.
We all toasted our mothers last night and went around the table asking each person when theirs have been the strongest.
I wonder if they feel close to me, sometimes I don’t know if I do, just because we can’t be good friends to each other all of the time.
Kalale and I shared a bed with CJ and Austin last night and we woke up to them cuddling, it was really cute.
We’re making potatoes, eggs, pancakes, bacon, ceasers, orange juice, and coffee!
I really shouldn’t be writing right now because everyone’s around me and they might be looking.
They are all taking about jobs.
Next year I want to try and live in Montreal off of grant money…then I won’t need a stupid job.
Madelyne Beckles is a multi-disciplinary from Toronto, currently based in Montreal. Her work centres on the performativity of narcissism and self-deprecation…which is probably evident to you by now. She has exhibited in Montreal, Toronto, New York and Los Angeles.