15 Apr Sofia Banzhaf
PONY CASTLE [EXCERPT]
I’ve got change in my palm and more in my pockets. This jukebox belongs to me. This jukebox understands me and God, too. I’ve been bought several drinks. 1 whiskey cola by one man and 3 vodka waters by a different man, the man I’m on a date with. I say man because he is over 30. Seems right. I’m on a date with this man and he has bought me 3 drinks and I have bought him none. He is sitting on a stool and has swiveled to watch me put change in the jukebox. I can’t concentrate on the things he’s telling me. I am thinking about the colony of moths that has settled on my bedroom ceiling. I’ve been watching the larvae cocoon and after some time watch a fully formed moth drop from the ceiling into my bed. I’m not sure what to do about it. The man is watching me, waiting for me to perform. What I feel like could be happening but isn’t happening at this precise time although in some ways has started happening: I am cheating on my boyfriend and I am cheating on the boy that I am cheating on my boyfriend with.
What happened later is this: I was in this man’s bed. Or should I say: This man put me in his bed. Or should I say: We were drunk and he threw me on the bed. Or should I say: I took my dress off as soon as I was on the bed. Or should I say: I was told to take my dress off after he threw me on the bed. I was in this man’s bed and my ass was in the air. And my back was arched. And the man liked it. I could tell he liked it. I was in this man’s bed and it wasn’t 10pm yet. But my ass was in the air and my back was arched. this was the part that counted. This was my time to shine. I was performing girl performing slut performing real person performing fantasy. It was a complex performance and I was very good. He said, tell me how badly you want this. I said, badly. He held my throat and I made sounds like a dying bird at twilight. I couldn’t help it. It was a complex performance and I was very good. I was so good that it became confusing. I was so good that I became the character. I was so good that when I walked home, I walked home as the character. I was so good that when I lay in bed, watching the larvae cocoon, burning myself with ashes from my cigarette, eyes heavy like diamonds, I lay there, unmoving as the character.
Sofia Banzhaf lives in Toronto. She’s a writer, filmmaker and actor and her first film is currently in post-production. We Googled her name and saw that she was once in a Belle & Sebastian music video.