six years later, brown moth appears on tummy. scar tissue, sub-q. practice. compare to church or resurrection, resuscitation, recitation? resurrection from God or spirit, resuscitation; a breath, my own, intimacy, easy recitation: habit

this was not

I used to participate in different rituals, recitation of anatomy and ribbons. the best at commitment, made it work into the ground, loyal to death, resuscitation. “who I am” opposite “who I want to become.” what’s the difference? toss shells across false borders. certainty, uncertainty. it’s all the same: prediction. what is most useful? the repetition of state and family: a mantelpiece, a mortgage. how do we misspell “forward,” re-cite a revolution

this was not

return elsewhere, navel-gaze, left-right, weekly. brown moth, scar tissue. sub-q. practice. painless. church I never knew. resurrection, resuscitation, recitation? resurrection from debt or labour, resuscitation; a lover’s breath, my own, intimacy, recitation: habit

this was not

a return elsewhere. banal recitation of identity. cream in the nationalist’s coffee. resurrection of the material: cops kill, soldiers dance on graves, perpetual narrative. anthropogenic final fantasy. still water pushes, even land. from year to year, centuries from now, memory embeds in the subconscious. something like a dream – how dream came to signify future or fantasy, divorced from reality. dream a returning, a something outside

this was not

material. my feeling. resuscitation. torn up into little pieces and scattered. winter, then resurrection. friends became the end of a sentence. I was fictitious, a rumour. recitation of numbers. collection of symptoms. resuscitation; a breath drowned under sheets, my own bed, intimacy, recitation, rest: habit

this was not fantasy

 

I had a dream:

I was a boy.

this was not an identity but a motion,

the way my hand moved across air

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