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ARIANA GRANDE ACCOMPANIES ME TO MY OVARIAN CYSTECTOMY AND SLIPS ME SOME EXTRA CODEINE

MOLLY GORELICK

I

i went to my gyno in yardley and i was like i think something is wrong down there and he was like down where and i was like i don’t know you tell me so he fingered me and was like you seem fine and i was like ok. the copay was a trillion dollars. 

ariana grande and pete davidson started dating and they seemed so in love and i was in love with how in love they were or seemed. Like it was a whirlwind and i love to be a witness to a whirlwind i want my own whirlwind but i am the debris that gets stuck in the eye of the whirlwind instead of being carried along with the storm itself. ariana grande probably feels normal down there. she said pete davidson has a big dick and i believe her.

II

i went to carlisle for school and got lyme disease on a hike i didn’t rly wanna go on. I felt rly tired a lot and went on some medicine that i was once put on for my acne. my skin looked rly good when i had lyme disease. I maybe still have lyme disease. Justin bieber has lyme disease. I wonder if he thinks he is a good person.

I went to a different gyno in carlisle because i still felt like there was something wrong down there. I was like is my IUD being weird and he was like no lol. he was like let’s do an ultrasound lol. he was like u have 3 cysts on ur right ovary and one of them is ~complex~ lol. I was like she’s soooo deep lol. I was like she’s not like other girls lol. he was like we’re gonna perform surgery to see if it’s cancerous lol. but it’s prob not lol. I was like okay…

III

ariana grande and pete davidson got engaged and everyone was like lol. I was not like lol. I found it to be very moving. I was touched by ariana grande and pete davidson getting engaged. they fell in love very fast and decided to do something about it. not many people take action in that way. imagine if the government worked that fast to create affordable housing and safe injection sites. Im not saying that ariana grande or pete davidson should be president. Im just saying that the people in charge could risk being decisive in that way. is love what makes people decisive? maybe it’s sex. Or maybe it’s that when ur rich n famous risk isn’t the same for u as it is for other ppl. ariana grande and pete davidson looked so hot in paparazzi photos together. 

IV

so i had lyme disease and an impending right ovarian cystectomy at the same time. the right ovarian cystectomy was scheduled for my third week of my senior year of college. i wanted to drink and do drugs but i was like wow i feel like garbageeee. I lost some weight and felt kinda sexxxxxyyyyy. I grew my hair out and wore it in a high ponytail. I started writing my undergrad thesis about kathy acker and the body and formalism mannnnn. I love being a woman and making feminist arguments mannnnn. The protagonist in blood and guts in high school has pelvic inflammatory disease and im like finally somebody else has something wrong down there mannnnn.

V

pete davidson got tattoos of ariana grande. ariana grande got tattoos of pete davidson.  I’ll know someone is in love with me if they get my name tattooed on their body. one time when i was 20 i was in norwich, england and had a 3 week love affair with a british dj and he wanted to get a tattoo having to do something with philly and for me to get a tattoo having something to do with england. I didn’t do it. I regret not doing it. I cried about him in a goodwill while listening to charli xcx songs when i got back to america. I think he was on ketamine the whole time.

VI

 

mommy and daddy came to carlisle for my surgewwwyyyy to take care of meeeee while i was coming down from morphineeeee. when i woke up from surgewwyyyyy my gyno was like yaaaa so when i was in there i found some endometrial tissue that i went ahead and removed lol. so you have endometriosis lol. It’s chronic lol. we’ll talk about it more when ur lucid lol. then i got to the comfort suites my parents stayed in and peed a lot but it felt weird to pee but i kept peeing.

VII

ENDOMETRIOSIS IS WHEN THE TISSUE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO GROW INSIDE UR UTERUS GROWS OUTSIDE UR UTERUS AND IT TANGLES SHIT UP AND MAKES UR PERIODS RLY PAINFUL WHICH IS WHY MY PERIOD USED TO MAKE ME VOMIT SOMETIMES. I HATE ART ABOUT PERIODS. IS THERE ANY GOOD ART ABOUT PERIODS?????? POETS LOVE TO SAY MENSES. POETS THE MOON. FUCK THE MOON! WHAT IF I HAVE TO GET MY ENTIRE RIGHT OVARY REMOVED SOMEDAY. MY MOM SAID SHE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO WAS ABLE TO HAVE KIDS WITH JUST ONE OVARY AND I SAID SO WHAT!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE MOON!!! WILL THE MOON BE MAD AT ME WHEN I SKIP MY BIRTH CONTROL PLACEBO WEEK SO THAT I DON’T GET MY PERIOD??!?!?!?!? I DON’T WANT MY PERIOD!!!!! I AM HACKING MY BODY!!!!!! I AM HACKING THE MOON!!!!!!!!!!!

VIII

ariana grande wrote a song about pete davidson called pete davidson. It’s rlyyyy good. I listen to it a lot. She’s like “i thought u into my life. Yuh. look at my mind. Yuh” and i’m like yuhhhhhhhh which is a sound of very deep and holistic understandingggggg. Like yuhhhhhh im in pain right now if u hear me say yuhhhhhhhh. If u feel bad for me say yuhhhhhhh. I want to be felt bad for!!!!! I will admit that i want anyone 2 feel bad 4 me!!!! And ariana grande says yuh yuh yuhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

IX

mommy n daddy fed me ramen for a few days n tended to my wounds n then left so i could be a big girl. A bigg big girl and feed myself ramen. I took a lottttt of mirror selfies in my underwear so my 3 scars n bruises showed. there was a scar above each hip and one below my belly button. the scars were green n purple. my childhood bedroom was green n purple. when the scars faded 2 yellow i was like i don’t relaaaate to this anymore sry :////  I posted the mirror selfies on my instagram stories bc i felt rly hot n i felt rly uglyyyyyyy n i needed to make it everyone’s problemmmmm. I needed everyone to feel bad for me an say poooor baby i needed everyone to know that the endometriosis might make me infertile but i’m being rly brave about it bc i don’t want kids any wayyyy i’m 21 yrs oldddd i don’t care about kids rn boooo hoooooooeo. who wants 2 fuck me raw bc i might be infertileeeeee????????  Everyone knows u can’t have hot without ugly stuuuupid. That’s why everyone wants to have sex w pete davidson including me stuuuuupid. Meeee stupidddd. me studpid. 

X

A guy i let finger me once texted me and was like i know u just got surgery down there but can u still have sex lol and i was like lol. when i finallyyyyy had sex after my surgewwwwwy i bledddd and bled n bledddd like i bled when i lost my “virginityy.” i did not have sex w M the guy who texted me i had sex w T this guy i had sex w yrs before and this time he wore his juuulll on a chain around his neck so he wouldn’t lose it and he had pet snakes and his mattress on the floor and was a big drug dealer on campussss. The first time i met him was freshman yr and it was halloween and i watched him do coke and then we had sexxxx and he was hot n tall n skinnyyyyy like pete davidson and this time i was like rlyyyyy bloody and he was like it’s fine let’s keep going!!!!!!!! I think he was on a lot of coke i love when things r full circle baby and i was like i should rlyyyy stoppp im rly bleeding and he was like that’s why laundry exists and i don’t remember if we kept having sex or not i rly don’t. the next time my friend went to pick up weed from T he said some of my redredredhair was stuck to the baggie. my friend was like that’s honestly kind of hot and i was like yuhhhhhhh.

XI

MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD IS MY GYNO IS MY GOD 

my gyno was like so to EASE the ENDOMETRIOSIS PAIN u can either take injections or go back on the birth control pill lol. the injections give u the same side effects as menopause so u prob don’t want that. right? right? Lol. btw the cyst wasn’t cancerous so thats p chill lol. I said cool thx lol.  i got my belly button or NAVEL pierced to accessorize my scars and then went back on the birth control pill the piercing hurt more than the surgewwwwyyyyy awww im soooo brave

XII

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XIII

ariana grande and pete davidson broke up and more ppl asked me if i was ok re: that than when i got my surgery and i was like okkkkaaaaayyyyy that’s weeeeiiirddddd. That’s interesssstinnngggggggg. Why don’t u want to talk about my weird and interestingggg ovaries and my weird and interesting uterussssssss and my weird and interesting possible infertilityyyyyy. i love 2 talk about my weird n interesting possible infertility bc im prob fertile honestly. Simply ripe n juicy w sooooo many eggs like wow who wants to cum inside me who wants to FUCK me RAW i’ll literally have all ur babiesssss u can buy me plan b if u waaaanntttt but i’m like sooooo fertile that even plan b can’t defeat my juicy juicy eggy-ness im laying eggs literallyyyy all the timeeeee and ariana grande sings about her perf hot n sexy life while i take pix of my tits 

XIV

HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME NOT HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME NOT HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME NOT HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME NOT HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME NOT HE LOVES ME HE LOOOOOVES ME HE WANTS TO CUM IN ME SOOOO BADDDD HE SAYS HE’D PAY 4 AN ABORTION IF HE HAS 2 THAT’S SO HOTTTT MAYBE ILL CUM TOOOOO

ariana grande gets married to a man who is not pete davidson and is instead a high profile real estate agent named dante

my god is a man because i won’t blame my problems on a woman. what i want is to be victorious in the face of my own body. i am always tearing up from my own fake eyelashes. i am always avoiding the stomp of my own thigh high boots. i am always getting choked with my own ponytail. pop stars know that women are in pursuit of eternities. i will never stop trying to play god.

MOLLY GORELICK

Molly Gorelick is a writer based in Philadelphia. She has lived in Pennsylvania her whole life and currently makes phone calls for a living. Molly is the person behind A Year in Philadelphia, a project where over 366 Philadelphians (it’s a leap year) have committed to keeping a diary for one randomly-assigned day of 2024. You can find her on Instagram at @mollygmollygmollyg.