Sexpot Steve lived to screw. His mantra? If it moves, fuck it. His world was bent-over, bound, gagged, shit-smeared, whipped, and singed. That night he lay nude in bed, admiring the three-hundred-and-six names of past lovers he’d tattooed in chronological order across his body: Joseph Sandler, Bertha Sandler, Martine Ferrer, Mia Lane, Brock from sixth grade, Pastor Pete, Rodrigo Ferrer, Yuchen Zhang, Jacob Mirekatz, Jessica from down the street, that double-jointed kid from Math class, Morty Tashman, Buddy Love, Dr. Julius Kelp, Syd Valentine, Herbert H. Heebert, Mrs. Rogers, the Pickering Town Centre’s ’03 mall Santa, Parker Sandler, Mitchell something-or-other, Jolene Doll, the shoeshine guy outside his dad’s office, Marco Xiu, Linda Mayhew, Tina LaFonzo, Garth “The Cookie” Wexler, Vlad, three anonymous Australian women, Boychik Bilbo, Mathematics Mike, Dr. Roberts from the vasectomy clinic, Cerberus Huntington, Benny, Sam, Mike, either Danielle or Daniella, Big Newman, Little Newman, Susan “The Centipede” Arkansas, two Denny’s waiters, Sweet Annie, Tanya, all ten members of the Winnipeg Midwifing School’s ‘05 cohort, Claire Balvarine, Dicko Sickboy, Federico Riddicio, Rishika Jones, Joseph Snafu, Joseph Bomber, Bingo, Eegrek the Ape Man, Rugrat Riff, Tina LeFante, Jeff LeFante, Archie LeFante, Burt LeFante, Gilgamesh LeFante, Lt Col. J.T.R. LeFante, Parkrest LeFante, Jimmy “the Beast” LeFante, Mormon Mike, Orange Julius, Fritz Polyp, Paul Demondu, Dr. Miyahara from the vasectomy reversal clinic, GhostBoi, Rufus, Rex, Sparky, the Chockworth Twins, Love Juniper, Clarice Le Fantome, the very freckled girl, Yves Fargo, Ichabod Zuchfets, Goolatch Fazerbatch, Jizzwick Jones, Bilbo Barker, Seaman McClyde, Anne of Green Gables, Johnny Rock-Around-the-Clock, The Old Woman Who Slept in a Casket, Katherine Schwick, Avalanche Anderson, Ms. Emu, 8-Ball Tom, Dennis Rodman, Wilbur Eichler, Commander Bear, Conroy Abdul, Inch Worm, Mr. Balaclava, Merrick Margarine, Rascal Pete, Samuel the Heterosexual, Nico Chaste, Emmory Bored, Jungle-Jungle-Jungle-Jim, the hot dog guy, Nefertiti O’Conner, a couple hitchhiking arborists, Remy Love, Paco Paco, Tarzan, Amanda Tumor, Urology Rodge, Coco Maxwell, Humper, nine hooded strangers at the Busch Light Orgy, The Cash Man, TSA Tim, Kazmer Iskra, Aleksy Galazin, Nikolai Abrons, Eryk Itskovsky, Zotia Nevmerzhitsky, that blue-eyed American college girl from the hostel in Warsaw, Stanislas Ginzburg, Dobromil Jaffe, Luboslaw Barowski, Janek Janiszewski, Seweryn Jesionowski, Wienczyslaw Gawlica, Juicebox Ferrara, Klezmer Pete, Gemini Jim, Drugged-Out Dylan, three prison guards from the Regina Correctional Center, Steve The Killer, two members from AA, four members from SAA, Gunter Penis-Hymen, Woody with the wooden leg, Nifty Peters, Aaron Arson, Orange Peter, @PurpleSlut69, Boxcar Susie, Ark Compound, two fat-cat producers at the Golden Rectum Studios holiday party, Jimmy-Jimmy Two-Cock, James Cream, Cock Hudson, Edgar Allen Hoe, Vitalina Vulva, Genghis Cum, Lil Phallus, Johan Sebastian Cock, Jean-Luc Fuckshard, Reiner Werner Asslicker, Machete “Nips” Myers with the two-pronged dong, Trapper Don, Spunk Roxy, The Baron of Butt, The Bubonic Bitch, Penis: The Man, Cornelius Cum, thirty-one attendees at Reginald Booth’s annual week-long CumFest bash, Natasha Fist, Micropenis Mitch, Alanna Love, Oana Fuck, Dirty Man Dan, Raw Richard, Anita Hard-Juan, The Menstruation Machine, Jerk Stevens of Flesh Fantasia Magazine, Steeley Daniels, Arman Yorehole, Granny Smackballs, Sandman Paddygrinder, Vitamin Dick, Victoria Vixen, Milfolina, Lana Mule, Tony the Toucher, The Boyhole Connoisseur, God the Mortal, Anna Anus, Rorschach Cumsplatter, Wong Weiner, Philip Filth, Scatbabe Suzie, Bimbo Patel, Son of Sade, Ritwik Flesh, Sleeping Booty, The Gargoyle, Rebecca Rowsal, Pustule Slimefuck, Rimjob Rob, Anita Pea, Lust Waldo, The Nut Cracker, Dick Charmer, Riff Raff Ron, Jack Hotel, Vaughn Deferens, Lucy Woodpecker, Bradley the Dentist, Toll Booth Jimmy, Adagio Kim, three angels from the Christian Home for Sexual Delinquent Rehabilitation, Jebediah Cromwell, Lazarus Smith, Bethlehemian Goodman, Conner Corinthian, Uppercase Monsoon, a waitress from the Jiminy Crickets’ Diner, a Tennessee gas station clerk, Susan Wimbleton, Budapest Annie, Vodka Man, Drifter Sam, Martha Rodeo, Dr. Dick Delaware, Armmie Pitt, Chicken Litvik, Buff Pete, A&W Alice, Mothman Chan, Ash with the ass, Kill ‘Em All Kozmo, New York Times Nina, Sadsack Sandy, Septivus, Tucaan Potter, Videk Bosch, Feet Fucker Phil, Armageddon Armin, Creamless Amy, Chameleon Street, The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestickmaker, Tornado Jackson, Emo James, Mrs. Violence, The Mermaid, and Pirate Jenny. He’d booked a tattoo appointment for the next day. The list was obsolete by six names. He gazed at his feet, his only un-inked skin. When he was all covered, he reckoned he’d take a vow of chastity. Meditate. Get into flowers. Learn what essential oils are. Buy a soda stream. But for now, he still had feet to cover.

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