I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED ❋ Lydia Hounat

i have hugged the moon to tears.
i have eaten whole pizzas, worn white cotton socks
watched films about fast cars and ketamine.

kicked my 20 year old body to the toilet seat.
dragged two fingers down my throat
to throw up all the memory.

i have swallowed jasmine
rubbed mint between my fingers outside flats in brixton
baby, i have chopped courgettes
and i have beaten the sun to death with the spanner in my father’s toolbox.

i want to unpick the grin of your silent word.
why do you not want me?
why do you not need me?
waste goes to worsen

i have been sexting a 40 year old outside london bridge
as the rain slurped its way down my fingers.

sometimes i will light a candle in churches.
sometimes i will get rejected from a zine.
or stuff my face with cake.
or starve myself for days.
you have to know; i do not know.

baby, i will never be satisfied
i would love to kill you with my ride.
what say you to loving me without ease?
just tell me you’re using me.

i do not recognise the violence in your tongue.
i float just so i can drown.
i want another ecstasy pill.
i want to know the red clump of cells bobbing in the toilet bowl
turned to mush,
i would like to make it my ingrowth, meet it.

baby,
i had your life in me.

tell me that you never wanted me.
call me cum-bucket, a 3 am clumsy fuck in my fur coat.
wrap your lips around me like i were your cigarette.

and i will never be satisfied,
i know that look in your eyes,
what do you genuinely want me to feel?

i have been hanging over the toilet seat like honeysuckle.
i have been sitting in bedford square watching dogs fuck.

a rich man bought me strawberry soda.
he invited me to poetry cafe.
he wanted to take me from behind outside the thames,

sure.
sometimes boys glide inside my gallery
and all the paintings of you are smudged.

sometimes i will forget you.
sometimes i will stab you out cold.
or hope to sit on a balcony in valencia peeling oranges with you.
or maybe sweat with you.
baby, i will never be satisfied,
just tell me you’re only using me,
you have to know; i do not know,

i’m throwing you up all over this bathroom.