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UNTITLED ❋ Xan Shian
I’m on the couch
here and
I’m thinking about the couch in
the summer
you pressed against me
for hours
the cat
leapt into your lap probably
a warning
about couches.
I’m remembering that night
we tried to watch Harry Potter
you
hot-wired my parents’ tv
so we could watch the dvd but
we ended up not
seeing anything
because you pressed
and
the cat was a warning
we didn’t know how to stop
I’ve never been so intoxicated before
or lost after
you disappeared
without warning
the cat was a warning
laid out, a solid line to divide before
and after.
The rhythm of the dryer slinging laundry
punctuates
the Sunday
after Christmas
likewise I’m restless
raw on the inside from too many
chance encounters
drawn out for too long
my roommate pads around
in socks
holding the cat over his head
like a trophy
“you want some belly?”
my coffee grows colder
snow tumbles from the sky
all at once
it’s been saving up for this
when I ask you to walk outside with me
you say no for the fourteenth time
and I recommit myself
to pretending you don’t
exist
I resolve to stop making excuses for people
specifically you but there are others too
others
I find myself waking up next to
who say in the moments between sleep
and
extricating ourselves from the sheets
“but right now isn’t a good time for me,”
and I want to ask
whether I have any say in this too
a truck on the street pulls its air brakes
and I’m back on the couch
making a little dent
deeper
into the cushions
staring at the wood floor
listening to the creak of the heater
as it compensates for the cold outside
The cat sits in the window
tucked behind the curtain
staring into a different world
the snow globe of a future untouched
I think back to the other night when I tried
to articulate
the difference between desire and intention
how one begets the other
and we find ourselves naked in the morning
more naked
than we care to admit
“I have walls too, you know”
this is me trying to explain the chasm I find between myself and everybody else
I want to believe that it’s temporary
but as time passes it widens
and I wonder
whether it’s become a part of me now
Too.